


Sometimes (All We Do is Cope)

by crankyrage



Series: 2018 Kid Line Verse [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 04:55:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12646518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyrage/pseuds/crankyrage
Summary: So, it’s not surprising in the least, when Ryan’s the one who gets left behind. It’s some kind of poetic justice or something.





	Sometimes (All We Do is Cope)

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I wrote this. It started out as a 1k character study and turned into something else. Not sure if I like it, but I figured I hadn't posted anything in quite a while, so I'd give it a whirl. 
> 
> I wrote this in a few hours, so it's definitely not perfect. Some grammar sacrificed for style.
> 
> Title shamelessly taken from one of my all time favorite songs: Patty Griffin's Nobody's Crying (10 of 10 would recommend) 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and mean no harm by using any real-life person or their likeness; this is simply a work of fiction for entertainment value.

If Ryan’s being honest, he’s always thought that he was expendable. It didn’t matter how many times Jordan or Taylor smiled at him and assured him that he was special – without him they didn’t work. That just wasn’t true, and everyone – everyone – knew it. 

They were Hallsy and Ebs, dynamic on-ice duo, World Juniors infamy. Best friends. Confidants. Two-sides of the fucked-up Edmonton coin.

He didn’t fit. He never did.

So, it’s not surprising in the least, when Ryan’s the one who gets left behind. It’s some kind of poetic justice or something.

Last year was weird without Taylor. He and Jordan tried not to make it weird, but it wasn’t the same: the two of them together and Hallsy always on the other side of a too-short Facetime call.

He doesn’t want to say they fell out of love because it honestly wasn’t nearly as dramatic or sad as that. He didn’t wake up one morning and not love them anymore or something. But, just like he’d always feared, he just didn’t fit anymore – they didn’t fit – and they couldn’t keep pretending it wasn’t happening.

Jordan took it hard. He closed himself off to everyone, Ryan included. Even when they were in the same room, Jordan wasn’t really there – wasn’t really participating. He was always wherever Taylor was, Ryan would assume, New Jersey or Florida, or Buffalo or wherever. He was never with Ryan.

It hurt. He’s not going to lie. It hurt a lot. But, it wasn’t surprising. He wasn’t surprised.

Hallsy, being the designated extravert, was always the one who made them air out their problems. Jordan and Ryan would probably have held so many more grudges with each other if Taylor wouldn’t have been there to tell them to talk and coax them into making up with each other.

With him gone? They barely had anything to talk about anymore. It’s like they didn’t know each other without Hallsy in the middle. It was horrible.

They never really broke up, not in so many words. But, Jordan didn’t call him when he was traded – didn’t even answer Ryan’s text to let him know he was okay. Taylor’s phone calls grew less frequent and more mechanical, sterile really. 

He stopped telling Ryan he missed him – that he loved him – and that’s really when Ryan knew it was over.

He was too afraid to ask if Jordan and Taylor had still been seeing each other – that would have been too much – that might have pushed him over the edge.

So, he just let them drift away. It was easier on his heart that way.

“Hey,” Connor corners him after practice one day. Ryan’s been avoiding him for a lot of reasons. Number one is that he’ll always first-and-foremost be Hallsy’s friend. Two, he takes his captain duties a little too seriously. “Haven’t seen a lot of you. You doin’ okay?”

He doesn’t have to ask about what. Everyone fucking knows, even the new guys. 

Ryan shrugs, “Wish we were winning more games.”

Connor nods slowly narrowing his eyes, and Ryan can sense the little shit’s internal monologue of whether it’s worth it to push. “Hallsy says he hasn’t heard from you lately. He’s worried you’re not talking to anyone.”

Suddenly Ryan’s pissed – how fucking dare he go around acting like he didn’t have any culpability to making Ryan this way. “I’m fine,” Ryan grits out instead, getting up to get the fuck out of there. “Leave it, Davo.”

“You’re not,” Connor insists standing up raising his hands in a defensive matter. “I know it’s none of my business. But you’re my friend too, and no one knows what happened and—“

“It isn’t any of your business. You’re right. Let me be, alright?”

Connor backs off and looks straight down at his shoes finally looking his age for once. “I’m sorry, okay? It’s just – you seem really sad.”

Ryan sighs rubbing his hand over his face. “I am sad,” he admits quietly. “I’m really fucking sad, and I’m probably going to be sad for a while. But, eventually I’ll get over it. You just have to let me work it out on my own for a while, okay? I appreciate the concern though.”

The season goes on like that. No one else brings up the huge, giant gap-toothed, blonde elephants in the room.

Ryan has days where he tricks himself into believing what they had together didn’t matter. He didn’t really love Jordan and Taylor, he just loved the idea of them. How could he have loved them? They were so young and immature – and stupid, they were so fucking stupid thinking that they could have everything. That they could have each other and hockey and it would be okay. Nothing was fucking okay.

He finally hits rock bottom one night when he rolls over in bed and for whatever reason he’s so disoriented to be alone that he starts to cry, and he doesn’t even know why.

He’s exhausted. He’s so tired of feeling like this – bone deep sadness that he feels like he’ll never be able to shake. He feels guilty; that’s what it boils down to. Why is he the only one left? Why was he the one that got to stay? Why wasn’t he sacrificed? He played just as bad, if not worse – he didn’t bring the team back from the brink like they’d promised they would. He was just as responsible as Ebs and Hallsy, and yet he was still fucking here.

He was still here, and now he was just alone. All alone. He had no one.

He lays face down sobbing quietly into his pillow for an inappropriate amount of time. He’s so tried and frustrated, and he just doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. 

He grabs his phone off his nightstand and opens the dead group-chat between him, Jordan, and Taylor and types out _miss you_ , hits send, and flings his phone across the room squinting in the dark as he watches it shatter against the wall. He can’t bring himself to care.

What’s the fucking point anymore?

“Oh thank god,” Connor mutters when he enters the dressing room for practice the next day pulling him into the hallway.

“What?” Ryan all-but demands feeling so warn out he’s barely functioning.

“Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“I—“ he bites his lip and flushes thinking about the pathetic events that led to this. “It broke. I’ll probably go get a new one this afternoon.”

“Oh,” Connor blinks at him in relief. “Hallsy said—“

Ryan tries to brush past him and back into the Room, “I thought I told you—“

Connor grabs his arm hard and pulls him back aggressively. “They’re worried about you, Ryan.”

Ryan looks up immediately at the use of his first name. “I—“

“Look the details are none of my business unless you make them mine, alright? But this—“ he gestures to Ryan a little wildly. “This isn’t any way to deal with your problems. You can’t just pretend they don’t exist or that you’re not hurting or that you can’t do anything to make it better. Talk to them.”

It’s not that easy, Ryan wants to tell him. But Connor’s right that he can’t keep this up without totally falling apart. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Connor looks a little surprised.

“Yeah, good work, Captain,” he chirps a little as Connor releases his arm. “A+ pep talk.”

Connor blushes looking pleased and lets Ryan escape back into the Room.

He gets his new phone and all his data transferred over that afternoon. The woman in the Apple Store judges him, shaking her head muttering something about kids not respecting their own property or something.

He has a few missed calls from Taylor, which he expected. But what he doesn’t expect is a text from Jordan. It just says _I’m sorry_. Which isn’t earthshattering, but it feels like it is.

He waits until he gets home to call Taylor and let him know he can chill out. He might take a shot of whatever alcohol Leon left at his place last weekend, but no one’s around to judge him.

“Ry?” Taylor answers the phone on second ring voice laced with something Ryan really can’t place, but fuck, he missed him.

“Sorry – didn’t mean to scare you – my phone broke.”

“Yeah, that’s what Davo said. He also—“ he cuts himself off. “Are you okay?”

Ryan takes a deep breath, “No,” he answers honestly. “Are you?”

“No,” Taylor says after a beat. “I’m not. Ebby either.”

“Have you – are you guys talking?” Ryan asks sucking in a breath and even after months he isn’t sure if he wants to know the answer.

“Not really,” Taylor admits. “I don’t know – what happened?”

“I don’t – I don’t think Jordan loves me anymore, at least not the way he loves you,” Ryan admits out loud for the first time. “I know you kind of feel the same way, right? I don’t – the three of us don’t fit.”

“No, I don’t—“ Taylor starts, but Ryan can’t take one of his platitudes. 

“I’ve always known deep down that it was always going to be you and Jordan, first. And, I was so in love with you guys that I thought being the designated relationship third wheel would be enough, but last year and then Jordan getting traded – it just brought out the cracks, okay? And, like it’s okay if you don’t love me. I’m not mad.”

There’s a long silence on the other end of the line, and the only reason he knows Taylor hasn’t hung up is because he can hear him mouth breathing.  
“It’s not – fuck. Last year was the worst year of my life, Ry. It was horrible. And, I was so jealous of you and Jordan getting to still be together, you don’t even know.”

Ryan scoffs, “Jordan and I were barely talking. He was so – fuck – we were so absent from each other, it wasn’t even like we were together.”

“I didn’t know that, Nuge. Why didn’t you say something, if you were so unhappy?” Taylor asks quietly.

“I don’t know,” Ryan admits scrubbing the wetness off his face. “I just – I was afraid to be the one that said something – the one who pushed – I was afraid of losing you guys, but I guess that happened anyway, and I didn’t even get to be a participant in it.”

Taylor makes a wounded noise, “Look, I can’t speak for Jordan, but I love you, Ry. I always will.”

“But?” Ryan asks squeezing his eyes shut as if he were bracing himself for a wild hit.

“But, nothing?” 

“Then why did you pull away? Why did you stop calling? Why did you stop telling me you loved me? That’s not – you weren’t you anymore.”

Taylor audibly swallows, “I didn’t even realize that was happening. I didn’t – I guess I was pulling away because I didn’t know how we were going to make everything work, and Jordan stopped turning to me, and I just thought that it would be easier to ghost—“

“Fuck you. Fuck both of you,” Ryan snaps suddenly. “You can’t ghost from a five-year relationship. Did you forget I also have feelings?”

“I—“

“You guys just left me here alone with all the spaces that you used to fill – that we used to fill, and I keep telling myself that I have to get over it, y’know? But, I can’t because I’m not me without you. I’m not the same person – the same friend, the same player, the same leader in the room – without you and Jordan.”

“I—“

“I don’t want to be. And you never thought to ask what I wanted – you guys just – you never think about me and what I wanted Taylor – what I was going through.”

“I—“

“Just—“ he pauses swallowing the words on his tongue. “Just leave me alone, Taylor. You’ve done enough.”

He hangs up the phone bouncing it against the mattress. No one’s around to see him ugly cry for the second day in a row.

Connor knows something’s up, and he knows Hallsy probably told him because that’s what Hallsy does – he opens his big mouth. 

“You know you’re going to have to talk to him and Ebs eventually,” Connor says sliding next to him as he gets dressed from practice. “Do you think Hallsy’s going to come here and not want to talk to you tomorrow?”

“He did enough talking the other night, and we’re good. I know where we stand,” Ryan says coolly standing up and leaving Connor staring at his shoes.

He’s not surprised when he hears a knock on his door in the middle of the night. Hallsy never knows when to leave well enough alone.

He glances at his clock and it reads 5:34, which is a little weird. He’d figure the Devils would have gotten in from Vancouver earlier in the evening, at least.

“Taylor—“

It’s not Taylor.

“Hey,” Jordan says frowning at his shoes. “Sorry about the time. I just – I came straight from the airport. We have tomorrow off, so—“

Like that was Ryan’s number one concern. “Why—“ Ryan starts closing the door behind Jordan and pulling him into the foyer of his apartment.

“I owe you an apology. Like a really long, really epic apology,” Jordan admits. “I was a terrible boyfriend all last year, I know. I – I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t want you anymore.”

Ryan looks at his face and feels like he got cross-checked by Chara, “I missed Taylor too, so much Jordan, but – I was still here, and you acted like I wasn’t good enough anymore.”

Jordan sniffles knuckling at his eyes. “I’m so, so fucking sorry Nuge. I didn’t mean to – I didn’t even realize that’s how you felt. I just – I think I was depressed. I think I just was just in a haze all last season. I wanted to—“ he swallows. “I wanted to disassociate a little.”

That’s a lot. “Jor—“ 

He waves him off. “You didn’t know, and why would you have, right? I shut you out completely. I didn’t even call you when I got traded. I didn’t call you, and we’d been together for five years, and fuck – that’s so fucked up.”

Ryan nods and rubs at his eyes because he just doesn’t have words.

“I’ve been talking to someone, y’know – a professional. And, I should have called you earlier. I should have called you months ago, but I was so embarrassed by how I treated you and Taylor, that I just – I didn’t think I deserved you to hear me out.”

“That’s not—“

“I know, I know. I’m working on it,” he smiles tentatively at Ryan, and Ryan feels his heart clench. 

“I still love you,” Ryan says barely audible over the beating of his heart in his chest.

Jordan smiles sadly looking down at the floor, “I love you too. So much – and I’m sorry that I didn’t show you that – I made you feel like I didn’t or that I love Taylor more. That’s not true. I’ve loved him longer, sure, but not more. Don’t – I never want you to think that again.”

Ryan doesn’t know if he believes him. But, it’s just a lot to process – he can’t just reframe everything about the last year in one night.

“Come to bed?” Ryan asks sheepishly curling his bare feet into the carpet.

Jordan smiles Ryan’s favorite smile, then one he hasn’t seen since everything went to shit, and Ryan can’t help but remember himself at 18 falling in love with him before he was ready.

Jordan’s still allergic to mornings, which if he wasn’t Ryan doesn’t know what he would have done. He clings and clings when Ryan tries to get up for skate the next morning.

“We just went to sleep,” Ebs whines grabbing his wrist when Ryan tries to roll away from him for the third separate time.

“Well that’s what happens when you get somewhere in the middle of night,” Ryan laughs carefully prying Jordan’s hand from his.

“Just go back to sleep, okay?” smacking a kiss on Jordan’s forehead before he can register what he’s doing.

His drive to the rink is just as quiet as it’s been all season, but there’s something buzzing under his skin. He doesn’t know if it’s a good thing. Doesn’t know if he should let himself hope.

The Devils are on the ice still when he gets to the rink. He knows he’s acting a little shifty, but the guys seem to have expected it. Leon even mutters something about playing your ex when he passes Ryan’s stall to get dressed.

He gets dressed as fast as he can and stakes out Taylor in the tunnel as the Devils begin filing off back into the visitor’s Room.

“Fuck—“ Taylor hisses at him as Ryan pulls him down the hall. “Come out of nowhere more, Nuge, seriously. You scared the shit out of me.”

Ryan doesn’t dignify that with a response. “Jordan’s here.”

“What?” Taylor blinks at him.

“Jordan showed up at my apartment at 6am this morning – he must have flown right after their game against the Caps last night—“ Ryan may casually have the Islanders’ schedule memorized. 

“Is he okay?” Taylor asks immediately brows knit together.

“Yeah, he’s—“ Ryan shuts up because it’s not his story to tell. “Can you get away?”

Taylor shrugs looking a little upset. “I would have told you if you would have been answering my calls, but we’re flying to Calgary right after the game. We could get lunch—“

“Come back to mine?” Ryan offers feeling a little desperate.

“I can – shit yeah, I’ll make it work, but they’re going to come looking for me if I don’t catch up soon.”

Ryan nods smiling a little as Taylor turns to leave. “Hallsy?”

“Yeah?” he says turning around abruptly.

“Love you, too – for whatever it’s worth.”

Taylor’s smile is blinding.

Taylor’s sitting in his stall making a scene when he gets off the ice. He’s got a huge crowd around him, everyone trying to catch up all at once.

Ryan leaves him to it trying to shower and change as quickly as possible nudging Connor and Leon out of the way to grab his wallet and keys.

“We’re going now,” Ryan announces to the Room at large and physically almost drags Taylor out of the Room to the amusement of all of his teammates.

Jordan’s still asleep when they get back to Ryan’s apartment with takeout, which proves that as more things change, the more they stay the same or something more poetic or whatever.

“Ebby!” Taylor exclaims pouncing on the bed. “Wake the fuck up, man.”

Jordan clings to him like he did to Ryan earlier that morning, “Tired, come sleep.”

Ryan laughs feeling something release in his chest as Taylor flicks Ebs between the eyes.

“Fuck off, Hallsy. Hallsy?” Jordan stops suddenly cracking open both eyes.

“Yeah, it’s me – and Nuge, of course,” Taylor smiles at him.

Ryan’s not prepared when Jordan starts to cry.

“Babe—“ Hallsy says shushing Jordan pulling him into his side. He looks over Jordan’s head to Ryan helplessly.

Ryan climbs into bed on Jordan’s other side and hugs him too.

“Sorry,” Jordan whines in his ear. “I know this isn’t about me.”

Ryan pets his hair a little helplessly, “It’s okay – this is about all of us.”

Jordan nods biting his lip trying to stop the tears. “It’s just this is so – familiar, right? But, nothing is right anymore. Nothing.”

Taylor sighs pulling both of them against him until they’re in a very familiar pile of limbs in the middle of Ryan’s bed. “We can’t control where we play hockey – that we’re not playing on the same team anymore. But this – us – we can control this. If we want it, we can have it.”

“It’s not that simple,” Jordan says wiping his snot on Ryan’s comforter.

“No,” Ryan agrees. “It’s not. It’s – if the past year has taught us anything is that this is hard. Being together is going to be hard.”

“We’re not kids anymore,” Taylor spits back in that voice he uses once in a great while – Ference used to call it his “future captain voice” which makes Ryan’s stomach lurch in retrospect. “We’ve been through a lot together. If we want it, we can make it happen.”

A silence washes over the room. “What if we don’t want it?” Ryan asks quietly pulling away to lock eyes with Taylor over Jordan’s head.

“What?”

“What if it’s not worth it? How can anything be enough? The distance will never let it be the same. I’ll be here and Ebs will be in Brooklyn and you’re in Jersey – like how can we live like that?”

Jordan glances at him and frowns, “I was miserable without you – if that means anything.”

“You were miserable with me last year,” Ryan shoots back and immediately feels regretful. “Sorry—“

“No,” Jordan says sniffling. “That was fair.”

“Look,” Ryan says trying to keep his voice level. “I love you guys, but maybe we just needed closure.”

“That’s fucking bullshit, Nuge. Are you kidding me? After all the shit you said on the phone the other night, you just want to give up on us?” Hallsy yells back.

“I just—“ Ryan starts shrugging helplessly. “I want you guys to be happy more than I want us to be together, and I don’t know if being in this relationship can make you happy anymore.”

Jordan sucks in a breath and waves Taylor off when he opens his mouth to speak. “I’ve been doing a lot of work on me since I got to New York. I hate change, and I let my sadness about Taylor getting traded take over my life last year, and I let that apathy for everything else grow out of control. If I learned anything is that we all make choices, right? And I choose you, Ryan and Taylor, and that’s never going to change.”

“You two are always going to be enough,” Taylor insists locking eyes with Ryan as if he can anticipate his rebuttal – hell, he probably can. 

Ryan’s not convinced. “I just – I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t—“ he breaks off. “I don’t want to be ghosted by the two most important people in my life. We weren’t just boyfriends, we were best friends first, and you guys seemed to forget that.”

“I can’t promise that there aren’t going to be ups and downs with us, Nuge, as always, but we’re conscious of the problems now, and all we can do is try to be better to one another,” Jordan says reaching out and squeezing Ryan’s waist.

“So you’re not going to act like I’m expendable?” Ryan hears himself ask voice small.

Jordan’s face crumbles and he can hear Taylor take a sharp breath. “Baby, no – Jesus—“ Jordan says rubbing his thumb along Ryan’s cheek. “No, that – I’m sorry you felt that way. That’s – it’s fucking unacceptable.”

“Remember you told me the other day that you’re not you without us?” Taylor asks voice down a few decimals from the last time he spoke. “Well neither of us would be the people we are without you. Sure, we knew each other before we knew you, but you make us who we are.”

They both look at him earnestly and part of Ryan still doesn’t want to believe them – maybe it’s fear or insecurity or something else entirely.

They eat takeout on Ryan’s new sectional wrestling for the last eggroll as they have dozens and dozens of times before. Jordan was right – it feels too familiar that it almost doesn’t seem real.

That’s when Ryan knows, if he’s being honest.

They take a nap all together in Ryan’s bed even though Jordan just got up less than an hour before. Ryan sets his alarm so he’ll have time to drop Jordan off at the airport and then Taylor off at the hotel to change into his suit and catch the bus to the game.

He holds it together pretty well, even when he’s the first one to wake up in the middle of the two loves of his life, both of them curled toward him like commas. He doesn’t cry, but it’s a near thing. He just – wants too much, and it can never be the same again.

He makes it all the way to the departures lane when Jordan reaches over the center console to squeeze him kissing him quickly on the lips to say goodbye before he breaks.

“Nuge—“ Jordan starts wiping at a stray tear.

“I can’t do this,” Ryan says simply. “We can’t – I don’t want to go through this anymore. I don’t want to miss you guys.”

Jordan turns to Taylor in the backseat helplessly shrugging his shoulders up and down.

“I thought we decided—“ Taylor starts.

“You decided! I didn’t,” Ryan replies cutting him off. “We can’t live in the past. I refuse to live in the past.”

“Ry—“ Jordan says reaching out for him from the passenger’s seat.

“It’s time to let it go. It’s time to move forward. Find new dreams—“

Someone behind him honks, but Ryan is frozen in place and Jordan looks like he’s not getting out of the car anytime soon. 

“It’s never going to be the same again,” he insists voice edging on hysteria.

“You’re right,” Taylor says curtly shrugging. Jordan’s eyebrows shoot up immediately. “You’re fucking right. But we’re not the same, either. We’re not kids anymore, Nuge. We’ve been through more things, seen more things, and had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way. So, it’s not the same, okay? But, that doesn’t mean it still can’t be great – that we can’t be great together. Different doesn’t necessarily mean worse.”

That’s – Ryan’s never seen it like that.

“I’m scared,” he says wiping at his eyes.

“Me too,” Taylor nods kissing Jordan on the forehead over the passenger seat. “But I’m willing to give it a fair shot for you two.”

Jordan nods putting his hand over Ryan’s limp one on the gearshift. “I am too.”

“Ry?” Taylor asks quietly. “We’re not forcing you—“

“No, I know. Sorry, that was a shitty thing to say. Me too – I want to try different,” Ryan laughs tears all over his face at this point.

The car behind him honks again.

“Keep your shirt on! Jesus Christ—“ Hallsy yells rolling down the back window. 

“Love you,” Jordan repeats leaning over to kiss Ryan one last time before leaning into the backseat to kiss Taylor soundly as well. “I’ll text when I land.”

Taylor jumps into the front seat waving goodbye to Jordan obnoxiously. The guy behind him fucking lays on his horn. “Making friends wherever I go, as always,” he snorts.

Ryan laughs, and Taylor reaches over to squeeze his knee letting him cry all the way back to the hotel to drop him off.

“Love you so much, okay?” he says cupping the back of Ryan’s neck leaning to touch their foreheads together when Ryan pulls into the parking lot.

Ryan nods, still crying, on the wrong-side of hysterical. He doesn’t even know why he’s still so upset.

“Hey, don’t – it’s okay to be sad about losing what we had. It was – I’d never trade those years for anything, but it doesn’t mean that what we’re going to have can’t be even better.”

Ryan nods again sniffling. “I know, I know. We’re going to kick your ass tonight.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Taylor laughs. “A lot of talk from you Nuge – see you?”

“Yeah, love you too – I’ll see you before you leave.”

He cries a little more on the way to the rink, but he’s smiling a real smile for the first time in a long time when he pulls into the players' parking lot. 

Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe he can do this. All he knows is that he sure as hell is going to try.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave any comments, criticisms, etc. below. I appreciate any feedback that you may have!


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